fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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