I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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