So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
