I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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