i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
There are leaves in my underwear?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
