Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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