hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
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