I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize