He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
