There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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