it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize