I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize