Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
