Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
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