you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
