Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize