if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
