I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
