I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
you will always have a special place in my vag
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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