I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
