i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
