I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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