The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
