how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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