Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
