Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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