I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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