I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
