Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
