yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
