So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
