dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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