Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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