just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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