i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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