i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
