i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
