Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Randomize
