Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
