I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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