The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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