Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
