Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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