Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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