Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
