Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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