do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
