My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize