I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
