I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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