I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
