He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
