And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
never play flip cup with pint glasses
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
