i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
