I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
