Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
