Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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