Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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