So drunk its hurt
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
