The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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